fixing fiction – the chaos, verses and randomness
april was chaotic and how! wth?
These four months were a year in itself. There were no synergy among them. Or there were? And I am not sure if there are any dots to connect if I look back?
Let’s begin with a quote.
“It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime…” – Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
Things come to you when you least expect. And time has a very weird way of functioning. January felt like a long never-ending month but only in a good way. Minutes turned to hours, and hours into days.
Two of my very close friends got married, one in January and the other one in April. And yes ofcourse, everyone said I was next.. Or kept asking me if I had found someone and God was I tired of answering these questions. But as a very wise friend of mine had advised me, the best way to answer the question is by saying “Oh, did my mom not tell you about it?” or maybe come up with another witty comment. More about it sooner.
2024, 4 months in. Weddings, concerts, poetry, books, obsessions, sadness, corporate slavery, birthday parties and parties, in general. I danced a lot.
One moment you know you might be flying and thanking your stars for everything you have and the very next (literally), you might be drowning in the same air. Struggling to breathe. Trying to swim, keep your head above water, but you don’t know how to. The silence screams.
It sounds sad and tragic, that is because it is. And the voices in my head are of no help. Let alone the ones outside.
But that doesn’t mean there are no happy moments. Infact, almost all of them are happy ones. The sad one, it so happens, kinda outweighs all the happy ones.
I talk a lot in cryptic, I know. That’s because I do want to scream and shout and tell you all about what’s going on but at the same time I don’t want to. I want to keep it to myself.
Let’s talk about the typical – lessons I learned over the past four months, shall we? Where to start from?
Permanence.
Is that a word? I think it is.
I guess this one word pretty much sums up all that I’ve learned or had to learn (I hope there is no more of this kinda learning). When I say permanence, I mean it for the good and the bad. None of it stays. The good moments pass and so do the bad ones. And that is completely fine. It makes me count more on the happy ones. But why does time slow down when the bad ones are around?
With more such chaotic months/days, I weigh more towards the theory that life is nothing but a series of random events. What else can be the point of it all? The point of our existence? The point of us meeting? Everything around us is going on in its own rhythm, everything is random, and if I may borrow Mr. Keating’s words, we are here only to add a verse.
What verse will you add? (you and i can be bffs if you got the reference)
I read a few of the best books in this period. Funny Boy, Mornings in Jenin, The Book Thief to name a few. So much pain and heartbreaks do these three books collectively carry between their pages that I shouldn’t even be crying about mine.
But like any logical person would do when sad is.. overburden and occupy themselves with whatever. Work on your website, study new subjects, read more, sleep, work, overwork for free lol, start with new projects, bury yourself with something or the other.
We’ll talk about the breakdown later when it reappears. That bitch always does.
And to make it worse(?) Taylor Swift dropped 31 new sad songs about everything that can go wrong with oneself. And it almost felt personal. It was as if I’ve met a certain set of people in my life just so I can relate to what Taylor has to write. And god how I wish I could tell them about it!
I mean, I didn’t need Taylor to write ‘Guilty as Sin?’ (chorus & the second verse) and throw it on my face on a Friday morning. Or the first verse of ‘I Hate It Here’. It got waayyyyyyy too personal.
And did I almost forget about I Can Do It With A Broken Heart’?! The post-chorus kills! KILLS!
But these songs helped. It brought fresh newness to my morning commute. The beats made me want to dance even on sad lyrics.
I have been much better. Time does make things better. But I do miss some things.. someone. I hate knowing someone so much that you know their routine. They become your routine. And then when you finally stop talking, you still have an idea of what they might be upto. But you no longer are a part of their routine, nor are they a part of yours.
It’s a sad affair.
I read a book called Days at The Morisaki Bookshop by Satoshi Yagisawa and the book helped me come back to a better space in April. It was a book I needed to read and I happened to stumble on it just at the right time. You can read more about the book and the book review here.
Circling back, my birthday week and month were so chaotic. But who am I to complain? Life is random.
Anyways, I turned 26 this month. It was a beautiful day and a chaotic month for everything that was.
See you soon?
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